Category Archives: things you should never wear

things you should never wear: stacked heels

Do not listen to what any fashion magazine tells you about this, unless you are reading the magazine for which I work, because we will tell you the truth: Stacked heels, particularly when shown in platform, uh, form, look cheap.

I know, you’re thinking, “No, they don’t look cheap. They look Chloe-esque!” You are mistaken.

Here, take a look at these two shoes.

cheapshoe.jpg wedeshoe.jpg

Can you tell which one is cheapy Target and which one costs $350? Probably. But would you feel clever spending $350 on either shoe? I should hope not. Though one has actual stacked wood and the other is merely printed-on pleather, the difference isn’t that noticeable. And when something expensive doesn’t give off the appearance of quality, you are a sucker for buying it. And on top of that, you wind up looking like you just stepped out of Family Dollar.


things you should never wear: jessica simpson edition

ugly shoesEvery time I see these shoes, or one of the variations on them, I think of horsey Jessica Simpson clomping her way through her sad little life in these. I know she’s got a jillion dollars, and she pulled some great All About Eve shit by mimicking Britney’s career but being smart enough not to marry a true dipshit like Kevin Federline. But really, would you want to be Jessica Simpson–not the brightest girl, constantly being groomed by an overbearing father, stealing from Madonna’s lesser hits? I should think not.

And so that is why you should never wear a patent-leather high heel with a platform bed and an optional stacked heel. They look tarty and sleazy and cheap, like something a Reno hooker might put on to appear more like what she imagines Italian women look like, sadly not understanding that these shoes have DRAG QUEEN written all over them.

things you should never wear: crocs

I am starting a new series of posts called Things You Should Never Wear. I’m doing this because I see people on the street who look as though they’ve graduated with honors from the Regis Philbin/Helen Keller School of Dressing Oneself.

First up: Crocs. I can’t believe I even have to spell this out, but judging by the tourists who lazily traverse the corporate-filled blocks of my city, there are many people who do not get it. And “it” is this: You should never, ever wear plastic shoes of any sort. The same goes for foam shoes. “Oh, but they are so comfortable,” whine the Crocs folk. No. No, they are not. Any shoe that makes your feet sweat is not comfortable. Any shoe that makes my head spin due to its total fugliness is not comfortable for me, and that is reason alone that you should never wear Crocs.