Every time I see these shoes, or one of the variations on them, I think of horsey Jessica Simpson clomping her way through her sad little life in these. I know she’s got a jillion dollars, and she pulled some great All About Eve shit by mimicking Britney’s career but being smart enough not to marry a true dipshit like Kevin Federline. But really, would you want to be Jessica Simpson–not the brightest girl, constantly being groomed by an overbearing father, stealing from Madonna’s lesser hits? I should think not.
And so that is why you should never wear a patent-leather high heel with a platform bed and an optional stacked heel. They look tarty and sleazy and cheap, like something a Reno hooker might put on to appear more like what she imagines Italian women look like, sadly not understanding that these shoes have DRAG QUEEN written all over them.