I went to a fashion show last night. It was standing-room only, which was kind of silly because the press section had plenty of empty seats. I suppose it makes for better buzz to say that a show had two hundred people standing rather than to point out the empty seats in the regular audience. But that’s just a quibble.
Can I tell you a secret? I generally find fashion shows to be pretty boring. Sometimes you’ll find fashion writers who squawk about how we need to see the silk swish with our own eyes, but I’d argue that most of them are too tanked on champagne to notice the pintucks and pleats of any given skirt. In reality, these things are about boozin’ and schmoozin’. Don’t get me wrong; without those aspects of fashion, no collections would be made and we’d probably all be wearing Bugle Boys and shopping at Zayre. But on a per-hour basis, the actual runway presentation takes up, like, 20% of the time you’ll spend at the event. I’m just sayin’, that’s all.
The best part of any fashion show, selon moi, is the people-watching. Lawdy, what people wear to these things. Here’s a rundown of the types I saw last night:
The Jean Brodie: A woman of a certain age who wants to show the world two things: A) that she’s still got it goin’ awwwwn, and B) her freckled cleavage. These women offset their St. John pantsuit by donning some ‘bling,’ as the kids call it these days. And by ‘these days’ I mean ‘in 2003.’ Usually this sparkling monstrosity is shaped like a gecko or another similarly repulsive reptile, most likely in an attempt to divert eyes away from the reptilian skin they’re witnessing in front of them.
Publicists: “Hi-eeeee! You look so GOOD! Where did you GET that it’s probably vintage knowing you! Oh my god isn’t this the best?!?”
Snake-eyes: These attendees roam in packs, hungrily staring down the crowd in search of the Cobrasnake. But the Cobrasnake does not slither around in fashiony parts very often, so Snake-eyes folks are left underphotographed. They look around sullenly, using the power of collective asymmetrical bobs to silently judge the other show-goers. They do this while ironically wearing stirrup pants half the time. Also, they may be moles working for COBRA.
The victim: As in “fashion victim.” Last night I saw a woman wearing lace-up wedge boots with tassles, heather-grey leggings, a voluminous tweed bubble skirt, a sweater and a little vest. It is always a good idea to wear one (one!) of the season’s trends to appear current, but not if it makes you look like you are ready for the Renaissance Faire, milady.
I know, I’m a terrible bitch. A bitch who wore a dress from five seasons ago to the show. Does that count as vintage?